Anne Hathaway In Need Of Rebound-Pound

Anne Hathaway finally came to her senses and booted the 40-year-old lucky Italian guy that was banging her the past year, Mr. Raffael…ninja turtles? Fuckin’ A, this asshole has one of those retarded-sounding foreign names, so we’ll refer to him as simply “schīzen burglar,” (poop collector.)

You’ll get to pronounce the douche polluted official title very shortly, assuming you continue reading this following excerpt from the NYDN:

Anne Hathaway’s four-year romance with Raffaello Follieri has apparently timed out. Reps for the couple offered no denials to widespread buzz that the actress has broken off her thing with the Italian financier, who didn’t accompany her to Monday’s premiere of “Get Smart.” The relationship is said to have buckled under the strain of bad press linking Hathaway to Follieri’s messy financials.

Last week, it was reported that his Follieri Foundation was being probed by New York State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. Earlier, a former business associate of Follieri told the NYPD that he bounced a $215,000 check. (Charges were dropped after the check cleared.) Before that, Follieri’s billionaire partner Ron Burkle filed a lawsuit (since settled) alleging Follieri used company funds to fly Hathaway around in private planes. “There has been tension between them lately,” a friend tells us. “They had a scene in Paris last week. Her family and handlers have been telling her that he’s hurting her career.

Oh yes–great news if you’re an old, fat hairy dude looking to score with Anne, ’cause obviously that’s her bag. I bet Carell really did get his rocks off in ‘er!

Also, it’s still a yes if you questioned the need for that platinum bank account…which probably excludes every single one of you that just read this far. Don’t feel bad though, I can’t even open one of those things myself, ever since a required $100 minimum deposit existed. Never too late to start hustlin’!