Jessica Simpson’s Unsexy Beer Ad

The first Stampede Light beer ad has emerged with Jessica Simpson spokeswhoring and I have one word for the company (or firm behind creative marketing): FAIL! A first rule of beer advertising is almost always “sex sells” and obviously, Jessica is anything but sexy. They even went as far to publish this ad without any cleavage, and around the word “smart” which shouldn’t ever be used in conjunction with Jessica Simpson! EVER.

A helpful tip to the big guys in charge over there at Stampede & company: use some titties, ass, or both in your advertisements and maybe people will actually buy your beer (which probably tastes like cow piss anyways.) I bet pops Joe is quite happy with the payoff he milked from you sorry bastards!

Let’s have a look at the competing beer advertisements ran in years past, and maybe for the Stampede marketing team, have a brain refresher too.

Budweiser - Our first two ads below are for Bud Light beer, a definite favorite amongst the underage drinkers who have no other choice/say, and married men who that no longer find it able to stomach anything else. The ads from Anheuser-Busch undoubtedly appease each demographic, including cleavage in both, and a skimpy, white-hot bikini for our first pictured lady. Don’t you want an ice cold bottle of Bud Light right about now?

Click inside to see the rest of our sexier than Jessica Simpson’s shitty beer ads!


Miller Lite - Again, another pussy beer but still drank by men, Miller Lite features partial ass and a nice rack shot on a hot 20-something bartender, ready to make you pound enough of these in preparation for going home with the ugliest chick during last call. Not too kind on the stomach, however…so beware!

Coors Light - Probably the best tasting light beer, Coors knows what’s up and always brings on the titties! Born in the mountains, smooth refreshing Coors Light actually makes for a pretty horrible next morning, that is, when your toilet explodes with yellow exploding shit. We recommend this beer least if you have poor sewage suction action.